And how much easier -- how much harder does she have to fight herself not -- to make a joke, to blow it off, imply for her sister's sake what she has for her family, for the world. That she's unruffable and untouchable somehow, she's just kidding; and that in the places she isn't, they have no right to judge or speak. Especially since she got and made it big, and no one else managed that any more than the managed a marriage, and a kid.
How hard is one word. So hard. Even after she writes it. Just staring at it. There are so many feelings it tangles up. It feels too true. It feels too easily used against her. It feels like a betrayal of Luther. Of Patric. Of the lie of herself, even to herself. But eventually she takes a breath, and she presses it anyway, feeling stupid as hell about it and letting it go anyway.
If anyone was going to understand this, wasn't it, maybe, Vanya? ]
no subject
And how much easier -- how much harder does she have to fight herself not -- to make a joke, to blow it off, imply for her sister's sake what she has for her family, for the world. That she's unruffable and untouchable somehow, she's just kidding; and that in the places she isn't, they have no right to judge or speak. Especially since she got and made it big, and no one else managed that any more than the managed a marriage, and a kid.
How hard is one word. So hard. Even after she writes it. Just staring at it. There are so many feelings it tangles up. It feels too true. It feels too easily used against her. It feels like a betrayal of Luther. Of Patric. Of the lie of herself, even to herself. But eventually she takes a breath, and she presses it anyway, feeling stupid as hell about it and letting it go anyway.
If anyone was going to understand this, wasn't it, maybe, Vanya? ]
No.