Luther had written Vanya off so often and for so long -- as someone too different from him, unapproachable, a particular lost cause after her book -- but that last sentence is like a little sliver working its way under his skin and he actually laughs a gruff laugh, startled. By that odd synchronicity. Like catching a glimpse of your reflection out of the corner of your eye, when you're not expecting it.
"Convinced myself that if I was good at everything, he'd come around. You know what? Me. Too." His voice gets harder on those last two words, as if driving the point in. Furious. Not at her. At Reginald, for once.
"I know I was Number One, I know, I get it, but -- you could've described me, just then." They'd all been pitted against each other, jockeying for their father's favour. It had only gotten worse after the rest of them had all left, and Luther had been the only lightning rod left to catch Reginald's displeasure, his impossible standards, trying to fulfil six-man missions on his own. Christ.
He's been looking at Vanya too long (why had it taken him so long to realise they were more alike than anyone ever could've expected?). Luther busies himself with his coffee again, before it can drag, become uncomfortable.
His laugh surprises her, but the hardness in his voice makes her withdraw, just a little. Not scared, not of him or any of their siblings, ever - but any hint of anger is enough when you've trained yourself to be wary of disappointment and anything close to it.
But he's not angry at her, at least, she's pretty sure of that. (She needs to get her pills refilled.) So she gives him a small smile, and hears him out, tries to hear past all the things she wants to say - about sitting here with him, talking about Dad, about this, and why didn't they do it sooner--
That's just the very last of her buzz, she thinks, and exhales slowly. Everything is uncomfortable for her, and it's always been like that: she notices him watching her a second in, and fiddles with her coffee cup, because holding his gaze is too much to ask without some of her medication to fall back on. When she realizes he's finished, she breathes out a laugh, as apologetic as his was gruff.
He'd already made his way through so many bottles to even make a dent in someone his size, with his durability and metabolism, but the coffee and food is helping him sober up, too. Clarifying some of that muzzy angry blur from earlier in the evening, leaving him cold and exhausted.
"I was," he says, "but turns out that doesn't actually count for much."
Because if so, who sends away their favourite like that? Like a broken toy that's immediately discarded, packed away in a box and shoved out of sight. A prize horse shot after breaking a leg. No longer of use.
"I'm sorry we left you out of things." It's a sudden blurting-out, so many years too late. "It was-- I remember thinking it was for your own good. For your safety. He always told us you couldn't keep up, that you couldn't be on the team. I got blinded by that, I think." Obedience was so hardwired in him; he hadn't even thought of defying or contradicting Sir Reginald's opinion back in those days. Wouldn't have dreamt of it.
The awkwardness of it - of him pointing out that being his favorite did Luther no favors, and Vanya struggling to believe that based on how she remembers their childhood - makes her fall silent. She cups her coffee, staring into its depths like there's some secret answer in there. How To Talk to Your Siblings, a life lesson from caffeine. She's pretty sure she'd be better off with a beer for that.
When the apology comes tumbling out, though, Vanya jerks her head up to stare at him again. She presses the tips of her fingertips hard into the side of the mug, feels her knuckles ache with the stiffness and doesn't stop.
"You think?"
It's all she can drag out, at first, struggling to find - if not the right words, then at least better words. She hates how this feels, so stiff it's like she's perched on the edge of a cliff staring straight down, but so appeased by just one apology, just one little I'm sorry. She wanted to hear those words for years, and though she wants to say it's too late now, it's not. And the fact that it's not leaves her at war with herself.
"You weren't keeping me safe by not asking me to play games with you."
It had taken him a while to come to terms with the way their missions had always been phrased as playtime, vicious cats toying with their food, having fun with the armed robbers they killed. Number One had grown more serious about the missions as they grew up, as Ben died, and started treating them with the gravity they deserved -- as superheroes, as soldiers.
But. The realisation. There were all the other games too, the ones that weren't supposed to be games because they weren't allowed to play, but they found ways to do it anyway. To mask it behind academy training. The timed races up and down the staircases, Reginald with that stopwatch in hand. Luther and Diego wrestling in the backyard. That one time Klaus climbed onto the roof and Luther had to shout to get him down. All the bonding time between academy soldiers. All those little moments Vanya had been excluded from. The non-mission ones.
Luther bites down on his words, and his fork drops. He doesn't really have an appetite anymore.
"Ah," he says, and she can see that realisation sweeping through him and his too-obvious, too-transparent expression.
He might as well have written it on his forehead in sharpie. She can see it, and her jaw clenches, and her finger tips start to really hurt from how hard she presses them against the mug. That doesn't make her stop.
There were so many ways they excluded her, so many parts of their lives that she just wasn't welcomed in. Sometimes she could slip in, hold a clip board, watch them get to do the fun part. All it amounted to was watching missions progress with Dad, until she stopped asking to attend at all.
(Maybe he stopped allowing her to come, first: she's blocked it out, to save her heart just a little.)
"Yeah," she says, and though she wants to spit it at him, she can't make her voice do much but be slightly less flat. It feels like he's hit her, thrown her clear across the room, because having to puzzle out what he means, when it's clearly not what she meant, leaves her reeling. Of course he saw missions like games, early on: of course even training was. He had a power. It was easy for him.
Somehow, she finds the courage to add more: "There were games too, you know. When you would play tag, or hide and seek on Saturdays." The schedule didn't matter as much for her, as long as she was where Dad wanted her to be, when he wanted it: her free time was spent the same as her work time, always practicing, always picking away at one composer's life work or another, while she could hear them running throughout the Academy, laughing, calling out to each other.
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"Convinced myself that if I was good at everything, he'd come around. You know what? Me. Too." His voice gets harder on those last two words, as if driving the point in. Furious. Not at her. At Reginald, for once.
"I know I was Number One, I know, I get it, but -- you could've described me, just then." They'd all been pitted against each other, jockeying for their father's favour. It had only gotten worse after the rest of them had all left, and Luther had been the only lightning rod left to catch Reginald's displeasure, his impossible standards, trying to fulfil six-man missions on his own. Christ.
He's been looking at Vanya too long (why had it taken him so long to realise they were more alike than anyone ever could've expected?). Luther busies himself with his coffee again, before it can drag, become uncomfortable.
no subject
But he's not angry at her, at least, she's pretty sure of that. (She needs to get her pills refilled.) So she gives him a small smile, and hears him out, tries to hear past all the things she wants to say - about sitting here with him, talking about Dad, about this, and why didn't they do it sooner--
That's just the very last of her buzz, she thinks, and exhales slowly. Everything is uncomfortable for her, and it's always been like that: she notices him watching her a second in, and fiddles with her coffee cup, because holding his gaze is too much to ask without some of her medication to fall back on. When she realizes he's finished, she breathes out a laugh, as apologetic as his was gruff.
"I just always figured you were his favorite."
no subject
"I was," he says, "but turns out that doesn't actually count for much."
Because if so, who sends away their favourite like that? Like a broken toy that's immediately discarded, packed away in a box and shoved out of sight. A prize horse shot after breaking a leg. No longer of use.
"I'm sorry we left you out of things." It's a sudden blurting-out, so many years too late. "It was-- I remember thinking it was for your own good. For your safety. He always told us you couldn't keep up, that you couldn't be on the team. I got blinded by that, I think." Obedience was so hardwired in him; he hadn't even thought of defying or contradicting Sir Reginald's opinion back in those days. Wouldn't have dreamt of it.
no subject
When the apology comes tumbling out, though, Vanya jerks her head up to stare at him again. She presses the tips of her fingertips hard into the side of the mug, feels her knuckles ache with the stiffness and doesn't stop.
"You think?"
It's all she can drag out, at first, struggling to find - if not the right words, then at least better words. She hates how this feels, so stiff it's like she's perched on the edge of a cliff staring straight down, but so appeased by just one apology, just one little I'm sorry. She wanted to hear those words for years, and though she wants to say it's too late now, it's not. And the fact that it's not leaves her at war with herself.
"You weren't keeping me safe by not asking me to play games with you."
no subject
It had taken him a while to come to terms with the way their missions had always been phrased as playtime, vicious cats toying with their food, having fun with the armed robbers they killed. Number One had grown more serious about the missions as they grew up, as Ben died, and started treating them with the gravity they deserved -- as superheroes, as soldiers.
But. The realisation. There were all the other games too, the ones that weren't supposed to be games because they weren't allowed to play, but they found ways to do it anyway. To mask it behind academy training. The timed races up and down the staircases, Reginald with that stopwatch in hand. Luther and Diego wrestling in the backyard. That one time Klaus climbed onto the roof and Luther had to shout to get him down. All the bonding time between academy soldiers. All those little moments Vanya had been excluded from. The non-mission ones.
Luther bites down on his words, and his fork drops. He doesn't really have an appetite anymore.
"Ah," he says, and she can see that realisation sweeping through him and his too-obvious, too-transparent expression.
no subject
There were so many ways they excluded her, so many parts of their lives that she just wasn't welcomed in. Sometimes she could slip in, hold a clip board, watch them get to do the fun part. All it amounted to was watching missions progress with Dad, until she stopped asking to attend at all.
(Maybe he stopped allowing her to come, first: she's blocked it out, to save her heart just a little.)
"Yeah," she says, and though she wants to spit it at him, she can't make her voice do much but be slightly less flat. It feels like he's hit her, thrown her clear across the room, because having to puzzle out what he means, when it's clearly not what she meant, leaves her reeling. Of course he saw missions like games, early on: of course even training was. He had a power. It was easy for him.
Somehow, she finds the courage to add more: "There were games too, you know. When you would play tag, or hide and seek on Saturdays." The schedule didn't matter as much for her, as long as she was where Dad wanted her to be, when he wanted it: her free time was spent the same as her work time, always practicing, always picking away at one composer's life work or another, while she could hear them running throughout the Academy, laughing, calling out to each other.
They never called out for her.