gigue | (no subject)

[She reads those words and for a moment Vanya sees red. It feels almost like blacking out for a few seconds, and it's the first time the collar has really done its job in a valid way because she might have accidentally brought Aegis headquarters' down around them.

This time the reply isn't immediate. She needs a second just to be able to read what she types again.]

you have no idea what I would do if I got to grow up like you but I wouldn't have spent 20 years trying to kill myself, I'd have just fucking done it

[She wants to scream and rant and find a way to drag his war-time beau into this, but if there's one thing she's learned from Diego over the years, it's that the sharpest barbs are shorter.]

[ It's a very, very long time before he responds, if only because every single fiber of his being has gone numb. How many times had he flirted with death, because it was better than the power he'd been cursed with at birth?

Each letter is chosen carefully, each word pressed into the phone like he's choosing his fate anew. ]

you have no idea
what i would have given to be ordinary

Edited 2019-10-17 13:48 (UTC)

[Ordinary. She hates that word. It burns her eyes, makes her skin itch. Ordinary, like that would have been better. Like he'd have been happier if it was him and not her. Like he'd have dealt with it better? She can't even fathom it, the ego, the arrogance, to think that he'd have been fine on his own when he was barely fine with Ben haunting him. She can feel the tunnel vision setting in, doesn't quite see the words as she types them even though she knows exactly what she chooses.]

you were right. you didn't deserve dave

[ Those words hit him like a slap to the face, a punch to the gut as he reads them, over and over. He had never thought himself worthy of Dave's love. Had considered him a fluke. He was a junkie, a coward, a fool who tried to flit through life somewhere between too scared to live and too afraid to die.

And Dave had seen the best in him. Had brought out the best in him. He'd been such a fool, following him to the front lines. He should have died by his side. ]

don't you dare bring him into this
you didn't know him.
you don't get to talk about him.

[She wants to tell him he'd have never met Dave if he was ordinary, but it's not cruel enough - God, when did she become someone who wants the meanest thing to say? So many years she spent with them, quietly excluded, too afraid to speak her mind, burying all the ways she wanted to shout and scream at them that she was one of them too, she had a number just please, please--]

don't tell me what i get to talk about while you're busy running your mouth

[ They're all sharp barbs and hurting all the soft parts of them, even if it's unintentional, isn't it? And Klaus can't help the anger, frozen cold, in the pit of his stomach. He fees like his limbs are lead as he replies, vomiting all the words and fears he has of his powers. Because if there's one thing Vanya is right about, it's that he doesn't know how she would act. So why not give her the particulars? ]

fine then
how would you have done it differently?
tell me, when you saw a lady with a crooked neck standing over your bed when you were six, singing french to you through a broken jaw, how would you have reacted?
or when someone slipped into your skin and forced you into the back seat to speak through your mouth and use your hands, would you have been anything less than terrified?
when your brother who you couldn't save shows up by your side like a constant shadow, what would you do? welcome that constant reminder of your failure with open arms?

tell me, seven, how would you have done it as number four?

[It's cruel, using their numbers. It's cruel, but he doesn't want to be kind. Not after that comment about Dave. ]

I wouldn't have been a fucking coward

[Lie, she can feel the lie as she types it and doesn't care. Like he knows her well enough to call her on it? Who cares.

(Singing French, why does that prickle the back of her head?)

She can't stop herself. Apparently that doesn't just apply to her powers.]

I wouldn't have made Ben deal with watching me OD over and over you know what i would have done? learned to use my powers properly sometime before the end of the world

really? because last i saw you were using your powers to end the world.

so what, some guy manipulates you and you decide fuck it, the entire world should end? because what, dad lied to you? ignored you? decided that when you wern't perfect to toss you aside?

join the club vanya, because in that regard? your not special

[ The gloves are off, and he doesn't pull his punches. She wants to blame him for Leonard? Fine, but he's not taking sole responsibility. He wasn't solely to blame for all the bullshit that she went through. Reginald was. Leonard was. Luther was. Allison and Five and Diego were.

It wasn't just him. It never had been just him. ]

[Did she decide?

Vanya has been avoiding asking that question since she got here. Did she decide any of it, did she want it? Did she want to kill them because they ruined her concert?

God, yes.

She stabs at the screen, listening to her heart beat in her ears, feeling the rage consuming her.]

you spent all this time trying to kill yourself and too afraid to do it you shouldve died instead of ben

[ It's no longer rage. It's just emptiness. Exhaustion. Ice in his veins instead of blood. And so he types in his reply, letter by letter- ]

stick around long enough and you'll get your wish

[ Before throwing his phone across the room and burying his face into his pillows, trying to shut out the world. ]

[None of this feels like a wish. Who wants to be this angry? Who wants to feel blind rage that he managed to get the last word? She can't think of a response and decides just not replying is enough of a fuck you to make do, but--

But. A few minutes later, when the anger finally starts to leave her body, she replays the texts in her head. When did she get like this, so quick to anger, quick to hurt? This isn't who she was - not before, not on her meds, so who is she now?

Who is she?

An asshole, and a bad sister, and the guilt is enough to choke on, too much to ever put into words. She couldn't figure out how to apologize for losing control and accidentally-ish hurting him, how does she apologize for intention?

She probably never will.]