[She thinks immediately of Leonard's cabin, and without moving much still seems to shrink. He wants her to practice. Use her powers, figure out how to use them, so he can use her--
Her chin has dropped, gaze vaguely between her coffee and her lap, but slowly she lifts her eyes to look at him from under her eye lashes. It's suspicious, slow and untrusting. What does he get out of helping her? What does he want?
A part of her thinks, who cares, and she knows that when she was thirteen, she'd have thought he was cute. When she was four, she didn't care about the damage her powers could do. A broken monocle flashes before her eyes, and she wishes there was a way to just turn off her guilt.
He's trying to help. But she still starts shaking her head.]
I don't - I--
[She stops abruptly, pressing her lips together. She's so sick of not being able to say what she wants. Why does she have to be afraid? Other people can just speak their mind. When she tries again, she only gets halfway there.]
[ Immediately, Derek can tell he's overstepped an invisible line in the sand that Vanya's either drawn for herself or for the people around her and he feels bad. It shows on his expression, apology etched into his features. ]
I'm not going to push. But if that's the only thing stopping you, believe me, Vanya...I'm not going to be afraid of you. I've been through enough that there's not a whole lot anybody could do that could scare me anymore.
[ Some defeat creeps into his voice but it has nothing to do with her. It's entirely about the fact that he's died, now. His whole family is gone, whether by choice or not. He found his sisters body torn literally in half in the woods behind their childhood home...and then he got blamed for it. He's fought werewolves, Oni, a nogitsune, and he tore a Berserker in half with his bare hands.
The only thing anybody can do to scare him, at this point, is make him fall in love again. That's terrifying. ]
But if you don't feel comfortable, then it's not going to do a whole lot of good anyway. It's kind of hard to find happy when you're having a panic attack, I think.
[ He gives her a small, lopsided grin that's meant to draw some levity back into the conversation, since it's been lacking ever since they sat down and he dove right into business. Maybe Vanya just wanted to get to know someone new. Maybe she's not actually interested in worrying about her powers right now and he's being obnoxious and pushy. That's no way to make a new friend. So Derek's willing to let it drop. ]
[If anyone let Vanya do only what she wanted, she'd never see people. She'd withdraw into her own space and never come out again, even when the loneliness became overwhelming. Not knowing what's best for herself is just...what she's good at.
So he doesn't push, and he's willing to let it drop, and all Vanya wants to do is run because he's nice, and he's trying to help, and every instinct tells her she should refuse - either because she'll be a burden to him, someone who clearly has plenty else going for him, or because he'll hurt her, one way or another.
She finally pulls her hands out from under her legs, wrapping them around her coffee again.]
I'm not. Comfortable, I mean, but it's not - the last time I tried to practice was at home, and it - it just. It went badly.
[It went so well at first, it was amazingly gratifying to have Leonard standing with her, to use her power and control it, even in a small burst, and to have him celebrate with her. But then he'd gone, and the panic had started to wrap its cold, gnarled hands around her throat, and then Allison--
No. She doesn't want to remember that.]
I'm sorry.
[She says it automatically, and only belatedly remembers she's supposed to think twice about that. It makes her stomach twist.]
[ Vanya surprises him a little when she uncurls slightly. He wonders why he cares so much and he tells himself that it's just because he's a nice guy, but it isn't. He isn't. He's never been a nice guy. It's not that he's afraid of what she can do because he doesn't know what she can do, not really. It's the way that she expressed that she thought people should fear her and the way it seemed like she didn't want them to that had caught his attention.
If anyone knows what it's like to hate the idea of being feared, it's Derek. ]
I'm guessing someone got hurt?
[ Every word that comes out of his mouth feels like he's pushing his luck, but if she's going to let him, he's going to keep trying to know her. Derek's picky about people. She reminds him too much of someone he lost a long time ago not to be, at least, a little endeared. He can't help it.
His eyebrows lift a little at her apology and the tiniest hint of a smile threatens to tug up a corner of his mouth with amusement. ]
You don't have to be sorry for feeling the way you feel.
[Because she never feels good about things. People reach out to help her - like Derek, now, and she can't help but feel suspicious of him. Her brothers try to mend the gap between them, and she can't put up with them for thirty minutes, or even ten before she needs to get out of there. She can't talk to them without being petty.
And she feels all of that, and feels guilty for feeling it. How do other people go through life without feeling like this?]
I...I hurt someone I care about. I thought I killed her.
[She doesn't say it was her sister, and she doesn't say that in the moment, she wanted to do worse than kill Allison, she wanted to ruin all the good things she had, to take them away the way it felt Allison was taking everything away from her. The guilt is on her face, even if the details are kept close to her chest.]
I'm just afraid. To try again. [And she doesn't just mean her powers, she means trusting someone again - but that is harder to put into words.]
Well, you don't. You're entitled to feel how you feel. That's how people work. If whoever you're talking to doesn't like it, that's on them. You can't change how you feel about stuff. My life would be a lot different if I could change how I feel about things.
[ A lot different. Better, probably, but he doesn't say so.
Derek winces a little when she verifies his suspicion, not because it scares him but because it aches to know exactly how she feels. Except...Derek did kill her. The circumstances don't matter when he starts thinking about it. All that matters is that if he hadn't fallen in love with Paige, she'd probably be alive today. If he hadn't fallen in love with Kate, his family would still be alive today. If he hadn't gone to bed with Jennifer, there'd be a handful of innocent people still alive today, including a close friend of Stiles.
If he hadn't... ]
I was afraid, too. For a long time, actually. You're entitled to that, too, Vanya. I'm not going to judge you for it.
[She listens, and then for a long moment she just stares at him, trying to put the pieces together in her head. He's got to want something, right? He can't just be this...nice. It takes a moment before she realizes she's staring, and ducks her head when she does.]
Sorry, you just - you remind me of someone.
[And her tone makes it hard to tell if that's good or bad, probably because she still can't come to an easy conclusion on her feelings about Leonard. She thinks she really did love him, and that combined with how easily she killed him just doesn't add up at all.]
He tried to - get me to practice, too. [Was she always going to word it like that? Probably not.]
[ For a moment, she's just looking back at him and Derek's trying to decide whether she's trying to figure out if she should believe him or if there's something on his face or if she's just zoned out and isn't looking at him so much as through him, but then she speaks.
All right, that explains a few things. Something tells Derek that whoever that guy was, he hurt her somehow. ]
There you go with the "sorry" again.
[ He smirks a little; rolls with levity instead. It falls a little flat because he can tell she's not really in the mood for it and the smirk fades as quickly as it cropped up. ]
You remind me of someone, too. I get it. No explanation needed.
[ What he doesn't say is that she's been oscillating between reminding him of his first love and reminding him of his younger self. That'd be weird to explain, so he just...doesn't. ]
[The relief is visible on her face for a moment: no explanation needed means she doesn't have to find a way to tell him he makes her think of the boyfriend that wanted her to kill her family. She doesn't have nearly enough distance from that whole week to make her mouth form those words.
Of course, that means she can't ask him who she could possibly remind him of, either, so she smiles in lieu of having an easy conversation piece to slide into. It's slight, and lasts about as long as his smirk did.]
You know, you're - you're only the second person ever to tell me I apologize too much. And that didn't include my therapist, somehow.
[Should she have said that? Maybe that's too awkward, mentioning that she's been to therapy. But it's a normal thing now, right, plenty of people do it, don't they? She misses not worrying about this sort of thing.]
[ He lifts an eyebrow, looking a little amused by that. ]
Oh yeah? Who was the other one? If you apologize this much to other people, I'm a little surprised I'm only the second one.
[ Derek realizes belatedly that he ought to get back to his sandwich, come to think of it. He lifts it and takes another bite, considering. If she doesn't want him to help because it makes her uncomfortable then he needs to find something else as a common ground for them. He genuinely does like talking to her and being around her; he'd like to be her friend. That means he needs to find something else for them to build a friendship upon.
It's a shame he's not very good at this and has about ten years of rust growing on that particular skill. ]
[She hesitates for a moment, reluctant to make this link, too. But she smiles a little, mostly aimed down at her mug and plate.]
My, um, ex, I guess. [I guess, like she doesn't know. Vanya rolls her eyes at herself, trying to keep it at arm's length. At least she can finally take a bite of her bread as a distraction.]
Most people don't really notice it. I mean, I never used to.
[ Derek nods, a small smile that falls short of his eyes forming on his face. ]
Say no more.
[ Derek knows all about how painful thinking about exes can be. He's honestly feeling a little guilty for reminding her of one. Derek's only had one ex that he regards semi-fondly still and she was a hired mercenary. It's not all sunshine and roses with her, either. He figures Paige doesn't count as an ex because if she were still alive, he'd like to think they'd have been married and had children by now. He loved her a lot and being fifteen didn't make it a less mature or devoted love, apparently, because he still carries it fifteen years later. ]
I think I only notice it because, a long time ago, I used to do it to my sister. I had my reasons. She would always tell me to knock it off and that it wasn't my fault. She didn't know that it was my fault, but...anyway, I notice that sort of thing, now.
[ Laura used to be endlessly irritated with his forever apologizing for the fire because, the way she saw it, it was just hunters, probably Argents, being the terrible, heartless humans that they were. Laura died never knowing that Derek had stupidly led them right to his pack and practically lit the fire for them with his naivete. ]
Sometimes I think no one will ever be harder on us than we are on ourselves and it's probably not the most healthy thing. If you treat yourself like you owe the world a favor, you start to believe that you do and that's...
[ He deflates a little, looking away from her finally, down at his mug for a moment before finishing the thought with a heavy sigh. ]
[He smiles the way she smiles. It's strange to realize, when it's directed at her. Do other people feel like she doesn't care enough about them to really smile? Most of them might be right, but at the same time real smiles take a certain level of energy that she rarely has to give. She wonders what his reason is.
Vanya lets him talk, listening instead of commenting. That's her standard, really: even when she's part of a dialogue, she feels like she may not really be welcome in it. He hasn't made her feel that way, but most people don't; that doesn't stop Vanya from feeling it.]
...Yeah. Yeah, it is. I - when I was a kid, I was the normal one. I mean, I was the ordinary one till a few days before I was brought here, but-- [Neither here nor there. She shrugs a little, back to just slowly destroying her cake.] But it always felt like I was in the way of something more important. And that just started to be...normal, I guess.
[Would she ever have stopped, if Leonard hadn't put it in her head? Would she ever have tried to take that back for herself, or would it have taken someone else to make her realize how much she apologizes? Vanya wishes she had that answer, because her faith in herself is at an all time low.]
[ When it's Derek's turn to listen, he tries to relate to what she has to say and he can't. His mother always told her children how special they were. He never wanted for attention or affection before the fire. Even after, Laura did her best. He'd shut her out because he'd known it was his fault that everyone else died, but she'd tried.
So he doesn't really know how to react to her saying that she was the "ordinary" one and that she'd felt like she'd been in the way of something more important.
Derek's experienced a lot of loss and a lot of pain, but he at least always knew that his mother and sisters had loved him and that he mattered as much to them as they meant to one another; he was never superfluous just because his eyes were blue instead of gold or he was a boy instead of a girl. He can't imagine not knowing that he belonged.
So instead, he nods and he gives her a sympathetic smile. He wishes it were empathy but he can't empathize with a feeling that's completely foreign. Feeling less than growing up is entirely different than self-isolation as an adult. ]
Well, making friends with people is a good start to normal, right? So I guess you're kind of stuck with me.
[ To that, he offers her a lopsided grin and then finishes off the last of his sandwich, washing it down with a long pull from the straw in his iced tea. ]
How fucked up are we that our 'getting to know you' conversations are about the worst parts of ourselves? We are bleak.
[ And...in spite of the truth behind that comment, Derek huffs a little laugh, rolling his eyes at himself. ]
[He can't know that normal is a difficult word for her, and she barely bats an eye when he says it. She started it, after all, so she can hardly hold him accountable.
(One day, maybe, she will realize that she is much easier on near-strangers than she is on her own family, but that day is not likely to be in the near future.)
Vanya smiles in response; it's small, still a little unsure. But that's a reflection of herself, of the doubt that exists in every social interaction she enters, and less of the small ways his actions and words overlap with Leonard's.
(Okay. They don't feel that small. They feel very big, and they're going to start a fight in her head. But she can save that for later.)]
Extremely fucked up.
[She wonders how he does that so easily, laughing at himself like it costs nothing.]
But I guess we were kidnapped by some possessed AI, so it seems kinda fitting?
[ It isn't lost on Derek that there's a disconnect between the small smiles and whatever might be going through her mind. He can see it in her body language and he can smell it on her; he's just shy of choking on her chemosignals and they're so heavy that he can't pick them apart to identify one from another, he just knows that they don't match what she's trying to make him see.
Someone really fucked her up. Someone really, really did a number on Vanya and he feels a flare of anger that falls away as quickly as it cropped up because she clearly cares about people. She cares about whether or not she hurts them. She cares about whether or not they're afraid of her or whether or not they should be. She's made that pretty transparent to him, whether she meant to or not. There's nothing about her that suggests to him that she deserves to feel all of the negative feelings he scents in the air, tainting the smell of coffee and food.
Why do the good ones always end up feeling the most pain?
Paige flashes into his mind again, begging for him to make her pain stop. The top half of Laura's body in the woods behind their old house. Imagined expressions on his cousins' faces, chained to the wall as the house went up in flames because they were too small to control their blood lust but too large to be contained by their parents. Watching the light leave Boyd's eyes inches from Derek's.
Derek was good once. He was arrogant, but he was good. After everything he's been through, sometimes he wonders if he's still that guy or if "that guy" grew up and any semblance of him died in the fire he survived. Maybe that's why he gives so much more weight to everyone else's pain and his own just...is what it is.
But Derek can act, too. So he shugs and smiles a little. ]
Who needs normal when you can be kidnapped, thrown into a new universe where you're an involuntary celebrity, and the government wants you to register yourself as a hero but doesn't want to tell you what you're supposed to be acting as a hero against. Here's to fucked up.
[ He lifts his plastic cup a little as if in toast and rolls his eyes playfully. ]
[The smile this time is a little more honest, like a sliver of sun peeking through an overcast day. She picks up her coffee cup in response, a silent toast. To being fucked up: that's about as close as she's come in a long time to accepting her lot in love, and with more levity than she can usually muster.]
Yeah. Who needs normal?
[There's a strange sort of relief to saying that, and Vanya is not entirely sure of the feeling. She's not ordinary, she never was, and the fact that she couldn't fit in anywhere - at home, or school when Dad sent her away - wasn't her fault.
Not entirely, at least.]
I guess you've been to Nonah, then? [She wound up there on her first day, and almost made a morning into a very bad day for a few excitable residents. She wonders if the street lights have been replaced yet: they were way too twisted up to work by the time Allison and Diego found her.]
[ Derek takes another drink and then sets the cup back down on the table, shaking his head. ]
No, that's just what I've heard. I'm personally planning to avoid fans like the plague if I have them. I don't know why I would, but to each their own, I guess. I haven't come across a reason to go to Nonah, yet, so it's kind of at the bottom of my list.
[ His eyebrows lift, though, because... ]
Sounds like you're asking from experience? Is it really that bad?
[ He looks sympathetic to that because he doesn't think he'd take that sort of thing very well, either, but the whole reason they're here is the discussion around the fact that her whole thing is that her emotions control her powers more than she does and he can only imagine that being mobbed like that would cause a pretty emotional reaction. ]
Shit. I would, too. I mean, I'm mostly going to, anyway, but I really would if I'd gotten mobbed when I first got here.
[ This shift in the conversation makes him want to bring up her abilities again to see if she's decided she doesn't want his help or whether she's just not ready to start. He worries that bringing it up will be pushy and awkward, but a part of him wants so badly to be able to help somebody, like maybe if he can, it'll help assuage his guilt for the gigantic failure he'd been for Isaac, Erica, and Boyd. ]
I'm glad you came out, you know. Here, I mean. It's nice to meet you in person. I'm not really big on the whole online thing. It's a good start, but I always prefer in person.
[It's out before she can stop it. That's another thing she almost-misses about her meds: they made her tongue slow, so she could, at least sometimes, stop those stupid little expressions of disbelief. Vanya ducks her head, and though her face says she wants to apologize, she bites her tongue for a moment instead.]
I mean, I'm - I'm glad I did, too. I'm just not usually very good at this kind of thing. I'm not better online, [She actually thinks she might be worse,] but. Thanks, for, um. Asking.
[Maybe it's because he's nice. Because he says things that mean he's glad for her presence and because even though her first instinct is to doubt she also kind of believes him - maybe it's that.]
Um--
[But it's also because he makes her think of Leonard in the worst ways, the ways that take her head right back to his house, to the journal, to every knife in the kitchen impaling his chest--
She looks down at her coffee again, sips at it to find her voice again.]
I don't want - I don't want you to think that I don't want to figure out how to control my powers. I'm just--
[Extremely fucked up over the fact that her first real boyfriend directly manipulated her into trying to kill her siblings. She still can't remember a lot of what happened after that night in the cabin - how they left, how she wound up at Leonard's house. It's like she was in a fugue for most of it, already mourning.]
I just don't know if I'm ready. Yet.
[Yet, because she'd like to be, some day. And she can't quite bring herself to say it, but she doesn't hate the idea of trying to learn with him.]
[ A surprised huff of not-quite-amusement escapes Derek at that question. Why wouldn't he be glad to meet her in person? It wouldn't have made sense to invite her out if he didn't want to meet her... ]
Yeah, really. I'm not...great at this, either. I haven't made a friend for the sake of making a friend since high school, if that gives you any idea. So, you're not alone in that, at least.
[ He watches her as she struggles to find the words for whatever it is she wants to say next, patient and silent to let her get through it. Empathy crosses his expression and he gives a subtle wave of one hand to dismiss the explanation. ]
Vanya? It's none of my business. When or if you want to work on it, with or without me, that's all you. No explanation needed, seriously. But just...you know. If you want me to try to help, I want to try to help. Just let me know when, if that's the case. If it never is, that's fine. We can still do this, you know?
[This kind of open ended, no requirements needed offer of friendship is the single thing she has wanted most, all her life. She never had it at the Academy, no matter which sibling drifted closer during which year: they were always separate, and Pogo was...she doesn't want to think about him.
No one offered this at school, or college, or out in the world. No one until Leonard, and that is why however badly she wants to crow and be excited and just enjoy that there's finally someone else in her life that just wants to be her friend, she can't ignore the ugly twist in her stomach that stretches all the way up her throat. She actually feels nauseous for a moment, but the moment passes and she exhales slowly.
He's not Leonard. He doesn't have an ulterior motive, and if she does--
Then she'll break her heart again and add one more name to the list of people she's killed, probably. It's hard to acknowledge that, to see that this might hurt, and go for it anyway. But when she nods, she smiles, and it may be tentative, but it's still real.]
I do. I mean - it's better than grabbing coffee alone, right?
[ His heart aches for her when there's some hesitation like she has to think about whether she really wants to let someone in a little bit. He knows the feeling and that's why he aches. It would be so easy for Derek to shut out everyone around him and be a recluse and, honestly, he did that for several years. It just...gets too lonely and he's a pack animal. He needs a pack. He's trying to slowly build one for himself; they don't have to be werewolves to be pack. Scott taught him that. He'll probably never admit how grateful he has been for that lesson from the younger, bitten wolf.
But then she smiles and nods and Derek returns the smile. If she's willing to give him a chance, he's willing to give her a chance and they can both learn together that not everyone is out to get them. ]
Good, I'm glad. And yeah, it's definitely better than getting coffee alone. I meant it when I said I'd come to you next time. We can take turns. That way, neither of us is going out of their way a hundred percent of the time.
[It's like he's going out of his way to be kind, or to make this easier. She can't say she doesn't appreciate it - she does - but she also has to bite her tongue to keep from telling her it's okay, she doesn't mind, she can manage. That feels a lot worse than apologizing does, somehow.]
Sure. I - feel like I should warn you, though, Maurtia Falls isn't....[She trails off, clearly trying to find the right way to word it.]
Did you grow up in a city? It looks like a really sleepy....northeast city, I guess, but they have a lot of the worst parts of cities kind of under the surface.
[She doesn't sound like it's a particular concern: it hasn't bothered her any, because she hasn't bothered it. It just seems like the kind of thing she should warn someone about.]
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Her chin has dropped, gaze vaguely between her coffee and her lap, but slowly she lifts her eyes to look at him from under her eye lashes. It's suspicious, slow and untrusting. What does he get out of helping her? What does he want?
A part of her thinks, who cares, and she knows that when she was thirteen, she'd have thought he was cute. When she was four, she didn't care about the damage her powers could do. A broken monocle flashes before her eyes, and she wishes there was a way to just turn off her guilt.
He's trying to help. But she still starts shaking her head.]
I don't - I--
[She stops abruptly, pressing her lips together. She's so sick of not being able to say what she wants. Why does she have to be afraid? Other people can just speak their mind. When she tries again, she only gets halfway there.]
I don't want you to be afraid of me.
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I'm not going to push. But if that's the only thing stopping you, believe me, Vanya...I'm not going to be afraid of you. I've been through enough that there's not a whole lot anybody could do that could scare me anymore.
[ Some defeat creeps into his voice but it has nothing to do with her. It's entirely about the fact that he's died, now. His whole family is gone, whether by choice or not. He found his sisters body torn literally in half in the woods behind their childhood home...and then he got blamed for it. He's fought werewolves, Oni, a nogitsune, and he tore a Berserker in half with his bare hands.
The only thing anybody can do to scare him, at this point, is make him fall in love again. That's terrifying. ]
But if you don't feel comfortable, then it's not going to do a whole lot of good anyway. It's kind of hard to find happy when you're having a panic attack, I think.
[ He gives her a small, lopsided grin that's meant to draw some levity back into the conversation, since it's been lacking ever since they sat down and he dove right into business. Maybe Vanya just wanted to get to know someone new. Maybe she's not actually interested in worrying about her powers right now and he's being obnoxious and pushy. That's no way to make a new friend. So Derek's willing to let it drop. ]
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So he doesn't push, and he's willing to let it drop, and all Vanya wants to do is run because he's nice, and he's trying to help, and every instinct tells her she should refuse - either because she'll be a burden to him, someone who clearly has plenty else going for him, or because he'll hurt her, one way or another.
She finally pulls her hands out from under her legs, wrapping them around her coffee again.]
I'm not. Comfortable, I mean, but it's not - the last time I tried to practice was at home, and it - it just. It went badly.
[It went so well at first, it was amazingly gratifying to have Leonard standing with her, to use her power and control it, even in a small burst, and to have him celebrate with her. But then he'd gone, and the panic had started to wrap its cold, gnarled hands around her throat, and then Allison--
No. She doesn't want to remember that.]
I'm sorry.
[She says it automatically, and only belatedly remembers she's supposed to think twice about that. It makes her stomach twist.]
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If anyone knows what it's like to hate the idea of being feared, it's Derek. ]
I'm guessing someone got hurt?
[ Every word that comes out of his mouth feels like he's pushing his luck, but if she's going to let him, he's going to keep trying to know her. Derek's picky about people. She reminds him too much of someone he lost a long time ago not to be, at least, a little endeared. He can't help it.
His eyebrows lift a little at her apology and the tiniest hint of a smile threatens to tug up a corner of his mouth with amusement. ]
You don't have to be sorry for feeling the way you feel.
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[Because she never feels good about things. People reach out to help her - like Derek, now, and she can't help but feel suspicious of him. Her brothers try to mend the gap between them, and she can't put up with them for thirty minutes, or even ten before she needs to get out of there. She can't talk to them without being petty.
And she feels all of that, and feels guilty for feeling it. How do other people go through life without feeling like this?]
I...I hurt someone I care about. I thought I killed her.
[She doesn't say it was her sister, and she doesn't say that in the moment, she wanted to do worse than kill Allison, she wanted to ruin all the good things she had, to take them away the way it felt Allison was taking everything away from her. The guilt is on her face, even if the details are kept close to her chest.]
I'm just afraid. To try again. [And she doesn't just mean her powers, she means trusting someone again - but that is harder to put into words.]
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[ A lot different. Better, probably, but he doesn't say so.
Derek winces a little when she verifies his suspicion, not because it scares him but because it aches to know exactly how she feels. Except...Derek did kill her. The circumstances don't matter when he starts thinking about it. All that matters is that if he hadn't fallen in love with Paige, she'd probably be alive today. If he hadn't fallen in love with Kate, his family would still be alive today. If he hadn't gone to bed with Jennifer, there'd be a handful of innocent people still alive today, including a close friend of Stiles.
If he hadn't... ]
I was afraid, too. For a long time, actually. You're entitled to that, too, Vanya. I'm not going to judge you for it.
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Sorry, you just - you remind me of someone.
[And her tone makes it hard to tell if that's good or bad, probably because she still can't come to an easy conclusion on her feelings about Leonard. She thinks she really did love him, and that combined with how easily she killed him just doesn't add up at all.]
He tried to - get me to practice, too. [Was she always going to word it like that? Probably not.]
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All right, that explains a few things. Something tells Derek that whoever that guy was, he hurt her somehow. ]
There you go with the "sorry" again.
[ He smirks a little; rolls with levity instead. It falls a little flat because he can tell she's not really in the mood for it and the smirk fades as quickly as it cropped up. ]
You remind me of someone, too. I get it. No explanation needed.
[ What he doesn't say is that she's been oscillating between reminding him of his first love and reminding him of his younger self. That'd be weird to explain, so he just...doesn't. ]
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Of course, that means she can't ask him who she could possibly remind him of, either, so she smiles in lieu of having an easy conversation piece to slide into. It's slight, and lasts about as long as his smirk did.]
You know, you're - you're only the second person ever to tell me I apologize too much. And that didn't include my therapist, somehow.
[Should she have said that? Maybe that's too awkward, mentioning that she's been to therapy. But it's a normal thing now, right, plenty of people do it, don't they? She misses not worrying about this sort of thing.]
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Oh yeah? Who was the other one? If you apologize this much to other people, I'm a little surprised I'm only the second one.
[ Derek realizes belatedly that he ought to get back to his sandwich, come to think of it. He lifts it and takes another bite, considering. If she doesn't want him to help because it makes her uncomfortable then he needs to find something else as a common ground for them. He genuinely does like talking to her and being around her; he'd like to be her friend. That means he needs to find something else for them to build a friendship upon.
It's a shame he's not very good at this and has about ten years of rust growing on that particular skill. ]
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My, um, ex, I guess. [I guess, like she doesn't know. Vanya rolls her eyes at herself, trying to keep it at arm's length. At least she can finally take a bite of her bread as a distraction.]
Most people don't really notice it. I mean, I never used to.
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Say no more.
[ Derek knows all about how painful thinking about exes can be. He's honestly feeling a little guilty for reminding her of one. Derek's only had one ex that he regards semi-fondly still and she was a hired mercenary. It's not all sunshine and roses with her, either. He figures Paige doesn't count as an ex because if she were still alive, he'd like to think they'd have been married and had children by now. He loved her a lot and being fifteen didn't make it a less mature or devoted love, apparently, because he still carries it fifteen years later. ]
I think I only notice it because, a long time ago, I used to do it to my sister. I had my reasons. She would always tell me to knock it off and that it wasn't my fault. She didn't know that it was my fault, but...anyway, I notice that sort of thing, now.
[ Laura used to be endlessly irritated with his forever apologizing for the fire because, the way she saw it, it was just hunters, probably Argents, being the terrible, heartless humans that they were. Laura died never knowing that Derek had stupidly led them right to his pack and practically lit the fire for them with his naivete. ]
Sometimes I think no one will ever be harder on us than we are on ourselves and it's probably not the most healthy thing. If you treat yourself like you owe the world a favor, you start to believe that you do and that's...
[ He deflates a little, looking away from her finally, down at his mug for a moment before finishing the thought with a heavy sigh. ]
...fucking exhausting.
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Vanya lets him talk, listening instead of commenting. That's her standard, really: even when she's part of a dialogue, she feels like she may not really be welcome in it. He hasn't made her feel that way, but most people don't; that doesn't stop Vanya from feeling it.]
...Yeah. Yeah, it is. I - when I was a kid, I was the normal one. I mean, I was the ordinary one till a few days before I was brought here, but-- [Neither here nor there. She shrugs a little, back to just slowly destroying her cake.] But it always felt like I was in the way of something more important. And that just started to be...normal, I guess.
[Would she ever have stopped, if Leonard hadn't put it in her head? Would she ever have tried to take that back for herself, or would it have taken someone else to make her realize how much she apologizes? Vanya wishes she had that answer, because her faith in herself is at an all time low.]
I'm trying, though.
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So he doesn't really know how to react to her saying that she was the "ordinary" one and that she'd felt like she'd been in the way of something more important.
Derek's experienced a lot of loss and a lot of pain, but he at least always knew that his mother and sisters had loved him and that he mattered as much to them as they meant to one another; he was never superfluous just because his eyes were blue instead of gold or he was a boy instead of a girl. He can't imagine not knowing that he belonged.
So instead, he nods and he gives her a sympathetic smile. He wishes it were empathy but he can't empathize with a feeling that's completely foreign. Feeling less than growing up is entirely different than self-isolation as an adult. ]
Well, making friends with people is a good start to normal, right? So I guess you're kind of stuck with me.
[ To that, he offers her a lopsided grin and then finishes off the last of his sandwich, washing it down with a long pull from the straw in his iced tea. ]
How fucked up are we that our 'getting to know you' conversations are about the worst parts of ourselves? We are bleak.
[ And...in spite of the truth behind that comment, Derek huffs a little laugh, rolling his eyes at himself. ]
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(One day, maybe, she will realize that she is much easier on near-strangers than she is on her own family, but that day is not likely to be in the near future.)
Vanya smiles in response; it's small, still a little unsure. But that's a reflection of herself, of the doubt that exists in every social interaction she enters, and less of the small ways his actions and words overlap with Leonard's.
(Okay. They don't feel that small. They feel very big, and they're going to start a fight in her head. But she can save that for later.)]
Extremely fucked up.
[She wonders how he does that so easily, laughing at himself like it costs nothing.]
But I guess we were kidnapped by some possessed AI, so it seems kinda fitting?
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Someone really fucked her up. Someone really, really did a number on Vanya and he feels a flare of anger that falls away as quickly as it cropped up because she clearly cares about people. She cares about whether or not she hurts them. She cares about whether or not they're afraid of her or whether or not they should be. She's made that pretty transparent to him, whether she meant to or not. There's nothing about her that suggests to him that she deserves to feel all of the negative feelings he scents in the air, tainting the smell of coffee and food.
Why do the good ones always end up feeling the most pain?
Paige flashes into his mind again, begging for him to make her pain stop. The top half of Laura's body in the woods behind their old house. Imagined expressions on his cousins' faces, chained to the wall as the house went up in flames because they were too small to control their blood lust but too large to be contained by their parents. Watching the light leave Boyd's eyes inches from Derek's.
Derek was good once. He was arrogant, but he was good. After everything he's been through, sometimes he wonders if he's still that guy or if "that guy" grew up and any semblance of him died in the fire he survived. Maybe that's why he gives so much more weight to everyone else's pain and his own just...is what it is.
But Derek can act, too. So he shugs and smiles a little. ]
Who needs normal when you can be kidnapped, thrown into a new universe where you're an involuntary celebrity, and the government wants you to register yourself as a hero but doesn't want to tell you what you're supposed to be acting as a hero against. Here's to fucked up.
[ He lifts his plastic cup a little as if in toast and rolls his eyes playfully. ]
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Yeah. Who needs normal?
[There's a strange sort of relief to saying that, and Vanya is not entirely sure of the feeling. She's not ordinary, she never was, and the fact that she couldn't fit in anywhere - at home, or school when Dad sent her away - wasn't her fault.
Not entirely, at least.]
I guess you've been to Nonah, then? [She wound up there on her first day, and almost made a morning into a very bad day for a few excitable residents. She wonders if the street lights have been replaced yet: they were way too twisted up to work by the time Allison and Diego found her.]
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No, that's just what I've heard. I'm personally planning to avoid fans like the plague if I have them. I don't know why I would, but to each their own, I guess. I haven't come across a reason to go to Nonah, yet, so it's kind of at the bottom of my list.
[ His eyebrows lift, though, because... ]
Sounds like you're asking from experience? Is it really that bad?
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I wound up there my first day. A whole bunch of people mobbed me and it just...almost went bad.
I try to avoid it, now.
[For at least six other reasons. Well. Maybe five and a half.]
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[ He looks sympathetic to that because he doesn't think he'd take that sort of thing very well, either, but the whole reason they're here is the discussion around the fact that her whole thing is that her emotions control her powers more than she does and he can only imagine that being mobbed like that would cause a pretty emotional reaction. ]
Shit. I would, too. I mean, I'm mostly going to, anyway, but I really would if I'd gotten mobbed when I first got here.
[ This shift in the conversation makes him want to bring up her abilities again to see if she's decided she doesn't want his help or whether she's just not ready to start. He worries that bringing it up will be pushy and awkward, but a part of him wants so badly to be able to help somebody, like maybe if he can, it'll help assuage his guilt for the gigantic failure he'd been for Isaac, Erica, and Boyd. ]
I'm glad you came out, you know. Here, I mean. It's nice to meet you in person. I'm not really big on the whole online thing. It's a good start, but I always prefer in person.
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[It's out before she can stop it. That's another thing she almost-misses about her meds: they made her tongue slow, so she could, at least sometimes, stop those stupid little expressions of disbelief. Vanya ducks her head, and though her face says she wants to apologize, she bites her tongue for a moment instead.]
I mean, I'm - I'm glad I did, too. I'm just not usually very good at this kind of thing. I'm not better online, [She actually thinks she might be worse,] but. Thanks, for, um. Asking.
[Maybe it's because he's nice. Because he says things that mean he's glad for her presence and because even though her first instinct is to doubt she also kind of believes him - maybe it's that.]
Um--
[But it's also because he makes her think of Leonard in the worst ways, the ways that take her head right back to his house, to the journal, to every knife in the kitchen impaling his chest--
She looks down at her coffee again, sips at it to find her voice again.]
I don't want - I don't want you to think that I don't want to figure out how to control my powers. I'm just--
[Extremely fucked up over the fact that her first real boyfriend directly manipulated her into trying to kill her siblings. She still can't remember a lot of what happened after that night in the cabin - how they left, how she wound up at Leonard's house. It's like she was in a fugue for most of it, already mourning.]
I just don't know if I'm ready. Yet.
[Yet, because she'd like to be, some day. And she can't quite bring herself to say it, but she doesn't hate the idea of trying to learn with him.]
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Yeah, really. I'm not...great at this, either. I haven't made a friend for the sake of making a friend since high school, if that gives you any idea. So, you're not alone in that, at least.
[ He watches her as she struggles to find the words for whatever it is she wants to say next, patient and silent to let her get through it. Empathy crosses his expression and he gives a subtle wave of one hand to dismiss the explanation. ]
Vanya? It's none of my business. When or if you want to work on it, with or without me, that's all you. No explanation needed, seriously. But just...you know. If you want me to try to help, I want to try to help. Just let me know when, if that's the case. If it never is, that's fine. We can still do this, you know?
[ He gestures toward her coffee. ]
If you want.
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No one offered this at school, or college, or out in the world. No one until Leonard, and that is why however badly she wants to crow and be excited and just enjoy that there's finally someone else in her life that just wants to be her friend, she can't ignore the ugly twist in her stomach that stretches all the way up her throat. She actually feels nauseous for a moment, but the moment passes and she exhales slowly.
He's not Leonard. He doesn't have an ulterior motive, and if she does--
Then she'll break her heart again and add one more name to the list of people she's killed, probably. It's hard to acknowledge that, to see that this might hurt, and go for it anyway. But when she nods, she smiles, and it may be tentative, but it's still real.]
I do. I mean - it's better than grabbing coffee alone, right?
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But then she smiles and nods and Derek returns the smile. If she's willing to give him a chance, he's willing to give her a chance and they can both learn together that not everyone is out to get them. ]
Good, I'm glad. And yeah, it's definitely better than getting coffee alone. I meant it when I said I'd come to you next time. We can take turns. That way, neither of us is going out of their way a hundred percent of the time.
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Sure. I - feel like I should warn you, though, Maurtia Falls isn't....[She trails off, clearly trying to find the right way to word it.]
Did you grow up in a city? It looks like a really sleepy....northeast city, I guess, but they have a lot of the worst parts of cities kind of under the surface.
[She doesn't sound like it's a particular concern: it hasn't bothered her any, because she hasn't bothered it. It just seems like the kind of thing she should warn someone about.]
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