[ It sounds so stupid and flippant over text, but it's true. He's been tortured for hours on end. He's died in the middle of a crowded room. He's been choked, and stabbed, and put himself in an ambulance more times than any of his siblings ever did.
And even if there's still a dull ache in his ribs, more a phantom of pain than anything true, nothing she had done was anything he didn't deserve.
(He remembers Harold/Leonard, on the floor of his own apartment, two dozen knives in his stomach. He remembers Allison lying on the floor, bleeding out her throat. He remembers the very breath coming out of his lungs as everything around Vanya turned white-) ]
[The joking doesn't sit well with her; Vanya doesn't know how to make light of serious things, how to deflect or deal with them when someone else is reflecting. She especially doesn't know how to silence the angry voice in her head telling her that even when she uses her power and tries to hurt her brother, she's nothing extraordinary.]
don't know
[She should apologize. Ask how he is. But she's still so - frustrated. The anger is there, under the surface, and she is afraid to acknowledge it.]
[ It's so awkward, isn't it? Sitting here texting each other after nearly two weeks of not speaking to each other. When Luther had broke his arm in training when they were kids, he'd been petty enough to last nearly a month without speaking to Number One. But Vanya...
She deserves better, doesn't she?
(He remembers how small she looked, slamming her hands against the glass, crying and screaming noiselessly. He remebers his own hands, red and bloody, throat raw from screaming, as he tried to get out of a space just as small and hopeless. One to take away their powers. One to grow them.) ]
nanites really speed up the healing process u know? u really pack a punch u broke about every bone in my body
[ It's a joke, because all Vanya had really done was give him a concussion, a broken arm, and some broken ribs. ]
[It's a joke, but Vanya withdraws from it. Every bone in his body; had she been trying to? Had she been trying to kill him? If that's true - and she has to assume it, her guilt will let her do no less - then he could have died. She's not entirely sure how he's alive to say all of this, and it's difficult to swallow.
To look at those words and force herself to keep talking instead of ghosting him.
She starts to type you should have, but that my fault keeps her from sending it. Instead she deletes it slowly, letter by letter, and wonders how they can think that. Allison and Klaus, she's hurt both of them and neither have tried to blame her when they should. She's to blame. She knows she is. So why don't they?]
[ Klaus shouldn't joke, and maybe he should be more honest with Vanya, so he closes his eyes, exhales slowly, and puts an effort in. When he normally would try to shrug things off with quips or jokes, try to disarm the situation.
So come on. Try to make this right. ]
okay, truth is? concussion, broken arm, broken ribs. no permanent damage.
maybe a couple of scars but i'll add them to the collection.
[That is the most honest she could possibly be with him, with anyone. She is very much not okay, and she doesn't know if she can be. She knows she's lucky that Finn was around, lucky that he stepped in to bring her to Aegis rather than someone else taking her to a real jail. Vanya knows this is the best place for her, because she is a monster. But she resents it, too. She wants to scream that it isn't her fault, that this isn't fair, that she doesn't belong here.
But she knows that's not right, either. So she keeps it inside, and tries to figure out if her guilt is enough to override her anger.]
im angry. and i'm sad. and i don't know what to say
[It's more truth than she intends, but she sends it anyway.]
[ She has every right to be angry at him. He should have just let it go, let her leave. But he was trying so hard to make things right between them. He'd overcorrected, overstepped, and she'd lashed out.
Not her fault. None of it was. ]
i doubt u want to see me right now just
i want you to know i'm sorry for pushing and going after you
[Something twinges in her when she reads it. She knows it's not fair, she can follow the path in her own head, but it's also like having tunnel vision. He's sorry for talking to her, for trying to stop her. Those stupid, basic things that wouldn't have been a problem if not for--]
and the journal
[She probably shouldn't have sent that, should have stopped herself before hitting the button. But there it is, and she's trying not to see red again.]
[ Part of him knows that he should be guilty for the journal. For throwing it out and leaving it somewhere for a jerk like Leonard to find. But all he had done was throw out a notebook and a bunch of papers. He hadn't known what they contained. He hadn't known what it could do. ]
[She's getting tunnel vision, and the guilt is morphing into something else, something less easy and much more prickly. She's not thinking these through anymore.]
[ It's not like he himself used it against Vanya, and it's not like he'd pawned it off to the one guy who could and would weaponize it. Hell, he didn't even know what it was until Pogo had asked after it the next day, and by then it was too late.
But he didn't manipulate her. He didn't take away her powers for years and make her think she was ordinary. He didn't lock her up. All he did was throw out a notebook. ]
[ Fast and angry can describe both of them at the moment. He hadn't intended for that book to fall into someone's hands. Hell, he didn't even know what it was. ]
oh yeah i totally just walked up to him on the street and handed it to him here you go, definitely wanted to suicide by sister at some point!
do you honestly think i'm that much of an idiot? i threw it into a dumpster behind the house not exactly 'gift wrapped', vanya
[He's right, calling it gift wrapping isn't fair, but it's so easy to just skate her eyes past that and address the rest without even acknowledging the issue.]
you didn't even look at what it was you were throwing out
you ARE an idiot, how many times have you od'd and gone right back for more
[Somehow, she bites back the very worst of it, a twinge of guilt keeping her from typing out the next thought in her head: if you want to kill yourself just do it.]
[ It's a low blow, but it's a fair one. How many times in his 17 years of drug abuse has he OD'd? How many times has he woken up in the back of an ambulance, freshly revived with electricity running in his veins, or in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV and Ben by his side, sleepy and disappointed? ]
you would too if you had corpses following you around all damn day
[ He doesn't think before he sends the next one. ]
not like i had anything else to take my powers away
[She reads those words and for a moment Vanya sees red. It feels almost like blacking out for a few seconds, and it's the first time the collar has really done its job in a valid way because she might have accidentally brought Aegis headquarters' down around them.
This time the reply isn't immediate. She needs a second just to be able to read what she types again.]
you have no idea what I would do if I got to grow up like you
but I wouldn't have spent 20 years trying to kill myself, I'd have just fucking done it
[She wants to scream and rant and find a way to drag his war-time beau into this, but if there's one thing she's learned from Diego over the years, it's that the sharpest barbs are shorter.]
[ It's a very, very long time before he responds, if only because every single fiber of his being has gone numb. How many times had he flirted with death, because it was better than the power he'd been cursed with at birth?
Each letter is chosen carefully, each word pressed into the phone like he's choosing his fate anew. ]
you have no idea what i would have given to be ordinary
[Ordinary. She hates that word. It burns her eyes, makes her skin itch. Ordinary, like that would have been better. Like he'd have been happier if it was him and not her. Like he'd have dealt with it better? She can't even fathom it, the ego, the arrogance, to think that he'd have been fine on his own when he was barely fine with Ben haunting him. She can feel the tunnel vision setting in, doesn't quite see the words as she types them even though she knows exactly what she chooses.]
[ Those words hit him like a slap to the face, a punch to the gut as he reads them, over and over. He had never thought himself worthy of Dave's love. Had considered him a fluke. He was a junkie, a coward, a fool who tried to flit through life somewhere between too scared to live and too afraid to die.
And Dave had seen the best in him. Had brought out the best in him. He'd been such a fool, following him to the front lines. He should have died by his side. ]
don't you dare bring him into this you didn't know him. you don't get to talk about him.
[She wants to tell him he'd have never met Dave if he was ordinary, but it's not cruel enough - God, when did she become someone who wants the meanest thing to say? So many years she spent with them, quietly excluded, too afraid to speak her mind, burying all the ways she wanted to shout and scream at them that she was one of them too, she had a number just please, please--]
don't tell me what i get to talk about while you're busy running your mouth
[ They're all sharp barbs and hurting all the soft parts of them, even if it's unintentional, isn't it? And Klaus can't help the anger, frozen cold, in the pit of his stomach. He fees like his limbs are lead as he replies, vomiting all the words and fears he has of his powers. Because if there's one thing Vanya is right about, it's that he doesn't know how she would act. So why not give her the particulars? ]
fine then how would you have done it differently? tell me, when you saw a lady with a crooked neck standing over your bed when you were six, singing french to you through a broken jaw, how would you have reacted? or when someone slipped into your skin and forced you into the back seat to speak through your mouth and use your hands, would you have been anything less than terrified? when your brother who you couldn't save shows up by your side like a constant shadow, what would you do? welcome that constant reminder of your failure with open arms?
tell me, seven, how would you have done it as number four?
[It's cruel, using their numbers. It's cruel, but he doesn't want to be kind. Not after that comment about Dave. ]
really? because last i saw you were using your powers to end the world.
so what, some guy manipulates you and you decide fuck it, the entire world should end? because what, dad lied to you? ignored you? decided that when you wern't perfect to toss you aside?
join the club vanya, because in that regard? your not special
[ The gloves are off, and he doesn't pull his punches. She wants to blame him for Leonard? Fine, but he's not taking sole responsibility. He wasn't solely to blame for all the bullshit that she went through. Reginald was. Leonard was. Luther was. Allison and Five and Diego were.
Vanya has been avoiding asking that question since she got here. Did she decide any of it, did she want it? Did she want to kill them because they ruined her concert?
God, yes.
She stabs at the screen, listening to her heart beat in her ears, feeling the rage consuming her.]
you spent all this time trying to kill yourself and too afraid to do it
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ It sounds so stupid and flippant over text, but it's true. He's been tortured for hours on end. He's died in the middle of a crowded room. He's been choked, and stabbed, and put himself in an ambulance more times than any of his siblings ever did.
And even if there's still a dull ache in his ribs, more a phantom of pain than anything true, nothing she had done was anything he didn't deserve.
(He remembers Harold/Leonard, on the floor of his own apartment, two dozen knives in his stomach. He remembers Allison lying on the floor, bleeding out her throat. He remembers the very breath coming out of his lungs as everything around Vanya turned white-) ]
how u holding up?
no subject
don't know
[She should apologize. Ask how he is. But she's still so - frustrated. The anger is there, under the surface, and she is afraid to acknowledge it.]
are you okay
no subject
She deserves better, doesn't she?
(He remembers how small she looked, slamming her hands against the glass, crying and screaming noiselessly. He remebers his own hands, red and bloody, throat raw from screaming, as he tried to get out of a space just as small and hopeless. One to take away their powers. One to grow them.) ]
nanites really speed up the healing process u know?
u really pack a punch
u broke about every bone in my body
[ It's a joke, because all Vanya had really done was give him a concussion, a broken arm, and some broken ribs. ]
i should have just let u leave
my fault
no subject
To look at those words and force herself to keep talking instead of ghosting him.
She starts to type you should have, but that my fault keeps her from sending it. Instead she deletes it slowly, letter by letter, and wonders how they can think that. Allison and Klaus, she's hurt both of them and neither have tried to blame her when they should. She's to blame. She knows she is. So why don't they?]
dont say that
[Which part? Who knows.]
no subject
So come on. Try to make this right. ]
okay, truth is? concussion, broken arm, broken ribs.
no permanent damage.
maybe a couple of scars but i'll add them to the collection.
are u okay?
no subject
[That is the most honest she could possibly be with him, with anyone. She is very much not okay, and she doesn't know if she can be. She knows she's lucky that Finn was around, lucky that he stepped in to bring her to Aegis rather than someone else taking her to a real jail. Vanya knows this is the best place for her, because she is a monster. But she resents it, too. She wants to scream that it isn't her fault, that this isn't fair, that she doesn't belong here.
But she knows that's not right, either. So she keeps it inside, and tries to figure out if her guilt is enough to override her anger.]
im angry. and i'm sad. and i don't know what to say
[It's more truth than she intends, but she sends it anyway.]
no subject
[ She has every right to be angry at him. He should have just let it go, let her leave. But he was trying so hard to make things right between them. He'd overcorrected, overstepped, and she'd lashed out.
Not her fault. None of it was. ]
i doubt u want to see me right now
just
i want you to know i'm sorry for pushing and going after you
no subject
and the journal
[She probably shouldn't have sent that, should have stopped herself before hitting the button. But there it is, and she's trying not to see red again.]
no subject
i'm not the one that
what about it
what do you want me to say?
no subject
[She's getting tunnel vision, and the guilt is morphing into something else, something less easy and much more prickly. She's not thinking these through anymore.]
no subject
[ It's not like he himself used it against Vanya, and it's not like he'd pawned it off to the one guy who could and would weaponize it. Hell, he didn't even know what it was until Pogo had asked after it the next day, and by then it was too late.
But he didn't manipulate her. He didn't take away her powers for years and make her think she was ordinary. He didn't lock her up. All he did was throw out a notebook. ]
no subject
[When Vanya texts back immediately, it's never a good thing, and these are coming out lightning fast and angry.]
he wanted me to kill all of you do you even realize that?
no subject
oh yeah i totally just walked up to him on the street and handed it to him
here you go, definitely wanted to suicide by sister at some point!
do you honestly think i'm that much of an idiot?
i threw it into a dumpster behind the house
not exactly 'gift wrapped', vanya
no subject
you didn't even look at what it was you were throwing out
you ARE an idiot, how many times have you od'd and gone right back for more
[Somehow, she bites back the very worst of it, a twinge of guilt keeping her from typing out the next thought in her head: if you want to kill yourself just do it.]
no subject
you would too if you had corpses following you around all damn day
[ He doesn't think before he sends the next one. ]
not like i had anything else to take my powers away
no subject
This time the reply isn't immediate. She needs a second just to be able to read what she types again.]
you have no idea what I would do if I got to grow up like you
but I wouldn't have spent 20 years trying to kill myself, I'd have just fucking done it
[She wants to scream and rant and find a way to drag his war-time beau into this, but if there's one thing she's learned from Diego over the years, it's that the sharpest barbs are shorter.]
no subject
Each letter is chosen carefully, each word pressed into the phone like he's choosing his fate anew. ]
you have no idea
what i would have given to be ordinary
no subject
you were right. you didn't deserve dave
no subject
And Dave had seen the best in him. Had brought out the best in him. He'd been such a fool, following him to the front lines. He should have died by his side. ]
don't you dare bring him into this
you didn't know him.
you don't get to talk about him.
no subject
don't tell me what i get to talk about while you're busy running your mouth
no subject
fine then
how would you have done it differently?
tell me, when you saw a lady with a crooked neck standing over your bed when you were six, singing french to you through a broken jaw, how would you have reacted?
or when someone slipped into your skin and forced you into the back seat to speak through your mouth and use your hands, would you have been anything less than terrified?
when your brother who you couldn't save shows up by your side like a constant shadow, what would you do? welcome that constant reminder of your failure with open arms?
tell me, seven, how would you have done it as number four?
[It's cruel, using their numbers. It's cruel, but he doesn't want to be kind. Not after that comment about Dave. ]
no subject
[Lie, she can feel the lie as she types it and doesn't care. Like he knows her well enough to call her on it? Who cares.
(Singing French, why does that prickle the back of her head?)
She can't stop herself. Apparently that doesn't just apply to her powers.]
I wouldn't have made Ben deal with watching me OD over and over
you know what i would have done? learned to use my powers properly sometime before the end of the world
no subject
so what, some guy manipulates you and you decide fuck it, the entire world should end? because what, dad lied to you? ignored you? decided that when you wern't perfect to toss you aside?
join the club vanya, because in that regard? your not special
[ The gloves are off, and he doesn't pull his punches. She wants to blame him for Leonard? Fine, but he's not taking sole responsibility. He wasn't solely to blame for all the bullshit that she went through. Reginald was. Leonard was. Luther was. Allison and Five and Diego were.
It wasn't just him. It never had been just him. ]
no subject
Vanya has been avoiding asking that question since she got here. Did she decide any of it, did she want it? Did she want to kill them because they ruined her concert?
God, yes.
She stabs at the screen, listening to her heart beat in her ears, feeling the rage consuming her.]
you spent all this time trying to kill yourself and too afraid to do it
you shouldve died instead of ben
no subject
stick around long enough and you'll get your wish
[ Before throwing his phone across the room and burying his face into his pillows, trying to shut out the world. ]
(no subject)