[There's a long delay before she answers - not as long as some of their conversations have been, but a couple minutes.]
I do get it
Freezing up, I mean
[Which is her alternative to telling him it's okay, because of course it isn't - but she doesn't want to tell him to fuck off if this is what him trying looks like.]
Yeah... it sucks. Inaction isn't usually my style. But...I stall out and I just don't do anything, to avoid fucking up in the first place. Except that's it's own kind of fuck up, isn't it?
I don't think I really remember what it felt like to not just be mad at you, like... ALL the time. Ever since your book, I just... it's like that's all there's been, for so long, and the rest just gets muddy.
But I don't want it to be like that forever, Vee Vanya.
[It's so much easier for the Shadow to admit all these things, because it's basically all it is. Those fears built up and twisted around Diego's insecurity. And maybe it's wrong to do it, but it thinks she needs to know, and it knows how much Diego doesn't want these secrets spilled, so it makes it fun, too.]
[Ah. The book. It's like an eternal bruise, and she never expects it to heal, at this point. She doesn't know how to apologize, not when it felt so - needful, then. Like if she didn't write it, she might as well hole up in her apartment and wait to die. And the attention - God, the attention. She couldn't help but wonder if that was how all of them always felt. Seen.]
I think just... I think I just need to know you. Who you are now, not... the you that wrote the book, or the mousy quiet sister in a corner I remember from when we were kids.
I know we can't really blank-slate everything and start over... but... I don't know, maybe we can find a way to set the history aside, just for a little while, to try and get to know each other?
Not completely or forever. Just. A little bit. Sometimes. So we can talk or... hang out or... watch movies or whatever. I don't know. Something.
[He's not sure how much sense he's even making at this point, honestly. He hates that. He hates not being able to put what he means into words the way he wants to. He also hates rambling and over-explaining himself, but. well-- it's all he is, isn't it?]
It can be something else. I don't know, I'm just trying to figure something out.
[There's a pause, long enough that it feels long, but it's short enough that the messages come in behind the first set, and before she can say anything else, too.]
Or not. It's fine. You don't have to do anything with me, Vanya. I get it. I'm not good at this, and I've always been an asshole. I wanna fix it, or at least try to make it better going forward, but maybe it's too late. If that's the truth, I can take it.
[He wouldn't like it, but he would understand it.]
[She's still struggling with what to say, so the texts start showing up before she can figure it out.]
It's not too late
[But that's it, that's all she can bring herself to say, because in so many ways it does feel too late. Too late for her with all of them. They kept her out for so long and now the prospect of being brought in is...she doesn't have a comparison for it, but it makes her skin crawl with how badly she wants it and how badly she wants to run from it.
She can't figure out anything else to say, and knows the small comfort those words might bring must ring hollow.]
Really? That's good. Maybe we can figure something out... soon?
[Maybe not immediately. Maybe it's too much-- for her, for him, both?-- to try and do that right now. Diego is... not quite Diego, as it were, and Vanya is... well, he isn't sure, but he'd take a guess and call it overwhelmed. At the prospect of anything coming from his earlier promises to do better. Even if it's not something yet, it's the premeditation of making it something, and isn't that still more than he's had, or done, in years? Or ever, maybe.]
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isn't really like you?
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[Something about that feels wrong, like - like bad romance movie wrong, where you can't ask people to change for you.
Except she does want him to change, doesn't she? Look, don't ask her to explain, she's not great with words.]
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I do get it
Freezing up, I mean
[Which is her alternative to telling him it's okay, because of course it isn't - but she doesn't want to tell him to fuck off if this is what him trying looks like.]
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Inaction isn't usually my style. But...I stall out and I just don't do anything, to avoid fucking up in the first place.
Except that's it's own kind of fuck up, isn't it?
I don't think I really remember what it felt like to not just be mad at you, like... ALL the time. Ever since your book, I just... it's like that's all there's been, for so long, and the rest just gets muddy.
But I don't want it to be like that forever,
VeeVanya.[It's so much easier for the Shadow to admit all these things, because it's basically all it is. Those fears built up and twisted around Diego's insecurity. And maybe it's wrong to do it, but it thinks she needs to know, and it knows how much Diego doesn't want these secrets spilled, so it makes it fun, too.]
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me neither
so what will make you not be angry?
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I think just... I think I just need to know you. Who you are now, not... the you that wrote the book, or the mousy quiet sister in a corner I remember from when we were kids.
I know we can't really blank-slate everything and start over... but... I don't know, maybe we can find a way to set the history aside, just for a little while, to try and get to know each other?
Not completely or forever. Just. A little bit. Sometimes. So we can talk or... hang out or... watch movies or whatever. I don't know. Something.
[He's not sure how much sense he's even making at this point, honestly. He hates that. He hates not being able to put what he means into words the way he wants to. He also hates rambling and over-explaining himself, but. well-- it's all he is, isn't it?]
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[But it doesn't make much sense. But he's not making much sense. But this doesn't sound like him at all. But but but but but.]
i just can't imagine hanging out
when have we ever? it's just, I mean...I don't know
[She types I'm sorry, and erases it before she sends. She's not sorry for just existing. She's not.]
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lunch once a week or something?
Or something else. Whatever you want.
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[She's not trying to be an asshole, but it's that, or ghost him. And frankly, ghosting him is awfully tempting right now.]
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I don't know, I'm just trying to figure something out.
[There's a pause, long enough that it feels long, but it's short enough that the messages come in behind the first set, and before she can say anything else, too.]
Or not. It's fine.
You don't have to do anything with me, Vanya. I get it. I'm not good at this, and I've always been an asshole.
I wanna fix it, or at least try to make it better going forward, but maybe it's too late.
If that's the truth, I can take it.
[He wouldn't like it, but he would understand it.]
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It's not too late
[But that's it, that's all she can bring herself to say, because in so many ways it does feel too late. Too late for her with all of them. They kept her out for so long and now the prospect of being brought in is...she doesn't have a comparison for it, but it makes her skin crawl with how badly she wants it and how badly she wants to run from it.
She can't figure out anything else to say, and knows the small comfort those words might bring must ring hollow.]
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That's good.
Maybe we can figure something out... soon?
[Maybe not immediately. Maybe it's too much-- for her, for him, both?-- to try and do that right now. Diego is... not quite Diego, as it were, and Vanya is... well, he isn't sure, but he'd take a guess and call it overwhelmed. At the prospect of anything coming from his earlier promises to do better. Even if it's not something yet, it's the premeditation of making it something, and isn't that still more than he's had, or done, in years? Or ever, maybe.]
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yeah soon
we can do something soon