It's not about believing something in particular. Sometimes, you have to act despite being lost. Sometimes, you have to move and act, no matter how unfair, how unprepared, and how very shitty things are and feel.
sometimes, that is the only choice other than dying and taking others with us.
[What she doesn't commit to electronic eternity is that she just doesn't want to make that choice. Or - maybe she wants to make the wrong choice, because sometimes, ugly times, all she wants is to burn everything down around her, and fuck anyone who gets in the way.
The guilt over feeling that is enough to make her sick.]
[They do, a little. Slowly. They make her cry, because her life has never been worth much, but she kept living it. Now that she knows she's dangerous, it seems worth both more and less, and she is struggling with which way to fall on that topic. She's a monster. She should be in a cage for the rest of her life. And she knows that if anyone tried, she would kill them, and probably herself, and maybe the whole world. Maybe it would even be intentional, this time.]
It's hard, it is sometimes disappointing and depressing, but it does lead to better things.
[ He wishes, right now, that he was there, really, to speak to her face to face. But maybe this is easier for her, and right now, this is fro her, and about her, not about him. ]
[Face to face is always harder, especially when she just wants to curl up in a defensive ball. It makes talking harder, it makes listening and processing almost impossible. It's like she has two modes: shut it all out, refuse to hear anyone else's opinion, or make their opinion her own so completely she might as well not exist.
She's not a fan either way, really. But this is easier to find a middle ground in.]
always? [It feels like a horribly childish thing to ask, but it's the only question in her mind: what if she does try, and it doesn't lead to anything better?]
[It's comforting, right up until the end: the reminder that she could be the reason for it, even if maybe he doesn't know - hell, maybe he does - just makes her shut down harder. It's probably selfish to think, in a world so populated by so many different people, but she can't escape her own experiences, especially when they haunt her.
All she can bring herself to send is an] ok
[and then she just leaves her phone on the floor so she can curl up on her bed, away from everything that happened. That she did.]
A lot of hard work, putting one foot in front of the other, learning to control myself and my powers, learning new habits and skills, and finally, learning how to deal with what I could do, and what I had done.
Its a lot, and I won't lie, but I think it is worth it.
Life is fucking scary, and actually making something of yourself? Putting yourself together when you have broken yourself or the world has? is hard and terrifying.
About the only two pieces of solace I can offer are these; one, it is worth it to do, because damn it feels better when you start having things work better. And two, you won't be alone.
I will be there to offer as much or as little advice and help as you want. And I am damn sure, though I cannot speak for her, but I am damn sure that Allison will be there too.
[Well, she hates that fear apparently means she has her shit together. But at least the idea that someone thinks she's thinking clearly is a comfort.
And that he respects Allison. Okay, actually - her fist instinct is jealously possessive, that's her sister, why is he making those very obvious judgments? But it passes, because guilt is good for nothing if not for reminding her that she deserves very little. So.]
I don't know how long I can think about it. my head hurts.
[She knows she's explaining herself poorly, but it's exhausted, walking through this. Just being propped up by someone else is absolutely Exhausting - listening to someone else to think well of her, she doesn't know what to do with that, and she's already in a place with so few options.]
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sometimes, that is the only choice other than dying and taking others with us.
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[What she doesn't commit to electronic eternity is that she just doesn't want to make that choice. Or - maybe she wants to make the wrong choice, because sometimes, ugly times, all she wants is to burn everything down around her, and fuck anyone who gets in the way.
The guilt over feeling that is enough to make her sick.]
maybe it should just be me that goes down
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You deserve a chance to live, and to find something better than this.
[ He texts earnestly, hoping somehow, that his words will get through. ]
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I don't really know what that's like
something better
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It's hard, it is sometimes disappointing and depressing, but it does lead to better things.
[ He wishes, right now, that he was there, really, to speak to her face to face. But maybe this is easier for her, and right now, this is fro her, and about her, not about him. ]
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She's not a fan either way, really. But this is easier to find a middle ground in.]
always? [It feels like a horribly childish thing to ask, but it's the only question in her mind: what if she does try, and it doesn't lead to anything better?]
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A life worth living.
That of course discounts cosmic incidents and the world ending.
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All she can bring herself to send is an] ok
[and then she just leaves her phone on the floor so she can curl up on her bed, away from everything that happened. That she did.]
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I've been in the bad places, and I know how it feels.
[ Not knowing what is going on, not realizing what he had said would strike her so, he sighs. ]
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how did you get out of it
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Its a lot, and I won't lie, but I think it is worth it.
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Life is fucking scary, and actually making something of yourself? Putting yourself together when you have broken yourself or the world has? is hard and terrifying.
About the only two pieces of solace I can offer are these; one, it is worth it to do, because damn it feels better when you start having things work better. And two, you won't be alone.
I will be there to offer as much or as little advice and help as you want. And I am damn sure, though I cannot speak for her, but I am damn sure that Allison will be there too.
[ He has a healthy respect for Allison. ]
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And that he respects Allison. Okay, actually - her fist instinct is jealously possessive, that's her sister, why is he making those very obvious judgments? But it passes, because guilt is good for nothing if not for reminding her that she deserves very little. So.]
shes here
shes been here
i dont want to be broken
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Good.
Broken is probably a bad word, and my bad for using it. Its what I used, but... it's not for everyone.
You have been hurt, by the world, and by life, and you have to find your path, your way, to rebuild, and to heal.
Wanting to heal, wanting to not be where you are now, is absolutely valid and makes sense.
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[She knows she's explaining herself poorly, but it's exhausted, walking through this. Just being propped up by someone else is absolutely Exhausting - listening to someone else to think well of her, she doesn't know what to do with that, and she's already in a place with so few options.]
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[ He has a habit of it, and now he feels bad. ]