gigue | (no subject)

[ Harry looks at that bare question, and considering for a moment, casts aside anything but the truth. ]

Yes, I have. I have fucked up a lot in my life.

Pride, anger, and curiosity have gotten the better of me.

I have done my best to not repeat those mistakes, but I've made a lot of them.

How do you stop

[Making those mistakes, repeating them over and over until you think that you're the only problem in the equation.]

Training, and a lot of it.

It's not easy, or fast, but it does help. You learn, not just from one person, but from everywhere you can absorb information and help.

Its hard work. But it can help.

It can change everything.

what if the problem's not the training what if it's just me

I don't believe that.

It could be that there are issues or traumas? Things that need to be worked out.

But no one is just flawed or broken or bad. That is a lie the brain tells us, sometimes, and society tells us, sometimes. But it is just that, a lie.

society's pretty big. usually right above stuff like who's good and who's bad

Society tends to also be full of lies, forced by churches and bigotry of old.

Trusting society to make decisions is trusting the worst parts of people.

I blew up i don't even know how much or how many people got hurt, how is society going to lie about that

Generally, unless you're lucky, society will tell you that one action, one fuckup, Makes you a bad person. But the truth is, you need training, and understanding, not condemnation.

it's not one fuck up how many does it take before you condemn it

That depends on the person, and the circumstances, and what else has happened.

Every person and situation deserves to be judged on their own merits.

That is why I do what I do. I strive to teach people to not ever have to face what I did. And what you did.

I don't believe for a moment that you are beyond help or hope.

Even if you do.

[She does believe that. It's a big part of the problem. How can she have faith in changing, learning, if she knows exactly who she is and hates what she sees in a mirror? She knows she can be petty, and she knows she's bad at taking responsibility.

She doesn't want to take responsibility for this, not at all. But here he is, talking to her like she deserves his time or his attention. She doesn't deserve anything.]

I don't know what to believe

It's not about believing something in particular. Sometimes, you have to act despite being lost. Sometimes, you have to move and act, no matter how unfair, how unprepared, and how very shitty things are and feel.

sometimes, that is the only choice other than dying and taking others with us.

shitty choice

[What she doesn't commit to electronic eternity is that she just doesn't want to make that choice. Or - maybe she wants to make the wrong choice, because sometimes, ugly times, all she wants is to burn everything down around her, and fuck anyone who gets in the way.

The guilt over feeling that is enough to make her sick.]

maybe it should just be me that goes down

Why? You are a person and worth more than just death. Your life is worth living, even if it is not perfect and not where you want it to be right now.

You deserve a chance to live, and to find something better than this.

[ He texts earnestly, hoping somehow, that his words will get through. ]

[They do, a little. Slowly. They make her cry, because her life has never been worth much, but she kept living it. Now that she knows she's dangerous, it seems worth both more and less, and she is struggling with which way to fall on that topic. She's a monster. She should be in a cage for the rest of her life. And she knows that if anyone tried, she would kill them, and probably herself, and maybe the whole world. Maybe it would even be intentional, this time.]

I don't really know what that's like something better

The only way to find out is to work for it.

It's hard, it is sometimes disappointing and depressing, but it does lead to better things.

[ He wishes, right now, that he was there, really, to speak to her face to face. But maybe this is easier for her, and right now, this is fro her, and about her, not about him. ]

[Face to face is always harder, especially when she just wants to curl up in a defensive ball. It makes talking harder, it makes listening and processing almost impossible. It's like she has two modes: shut it all out, refuse to hear anyone else's opinion, or make their opinion her own so completely she might as well not exist.

She's not a fan either way, really. But this is easier to find a middle ground in.]

always? [It feels like a horribly childish thing to ask, but it's the only question in her mind: what if she does try, and it doesn't lead to anything better?]

If you honestly work for it? Yes. Not perfect, maybe not what you want, or think you want now, but better, for sure.

A life worth living.

That of course discounts cosmic incidents and the world ending.

[It's comforting, right up until the end: the reminder that she could be the reason for it, even if maybe he doesn't know - hell, maybe he does - just makes her shut down harder. It's probably selfish to think, in a world so populated by so many different people, but she can't escape her own experiences, especially when they haunt her.

All she can bring herself to send is an] ok

[and then she just leaves her phone on the floor so she can curl up on her bed, away from everything that happened. That she did.]

I would like to help, if you will let me. And if you want.

I've been in the bad places, and I know how it feels.

[ Not knowing what is going on, not realizing what he had said would strike her so, he sighs. ]

[It's hours before she picks up the phone again, hours before she responds.]

how did you get out of it

A lot of hard work, putting one foot in front of the other, learning to control myself and my powers, learning new habits and skills, and finally, learning how to deal with what I could do, and what I had done.

Its a lot, and I won't lie, but I think it is worth it.

im scared

Which means you are sane and thinking.

Life is fucking scary, and actually making something of yourself? Putting yourself together when you have broken yourself or the world has? is hard and terrifying.

About the only two pieces of solace I can offer are these; one, it is worth it to do, because damn it feels better when you start having things work better. And two, you won't be alone.

I will be there to offer as much or as little advice and help as you want. And I am damn sure, though I cannot speak for her, but I am damn sure that Allison will be there too.

[ He has a healthy respect for Allison. ]

Edited 2019-12-05 03:22 (UTC)